Author: Julie Blouin

Wrote this a few weeks ago:

At least once a day I think to myself, “I can’t do this.” Not a I-physically-and-mentally-can’t-go-on-and-need-to-quit “i cant do this.” Rather its more of a its-so-uphill-I’m-tired-and-would-rather-be-in-bed-watching-Netflix-with-a-big-bowl-of-ice-cream “I can’t do this.”

This thinking isn’t exactly negative. It certainly isn’t helpful but it’s not me actually not believing in myself. It is more of a realization and acknowledgment of the difficulty of what I’m doing. Hiking the AT isn’t all pretty views and connecting with nature. Sure, that does make up a part of it. But then there are the less glamorous aspects. Being sweaty and dirty and smelly and having to trudge through mud and strain up relentless uphills and joint destroying downhills. Dealing with rain and being freezing cold or burning hot. These aren’t meant to be complaints, rather the challenges I face that lead me to have that inner dialogue that says “I can’t do this.”

Lately though, that inner dialogue is changing. I still get tired and frustrated and think, “I can’t do this.”

But now there is an additional aspect. A little part of me follows up the “I can’t do this” with a challenge. A rebuttal: “yes you can”. I think about how I thought the same thing yesterday and the day before but managed to push on. And by the end of those days it really wasn’t so bad after all. I got through it.

So now when I think “I can’t do it” its becoming more of a ugh-this-is-really-tough-and-I-don’t-want-to-do-it-right-now-but-ill-get-through-it-I-got-this “I can’t do it”. I think im slowly on my way to changing that cant into a can. And to me, that’s worth something.

I realized I never explained what trail names are or how I got mine so this will be that much delayed post. Trail names are just what they sound, the names thru hikers go by on the trail. No one goes by their real name (with the exception of Peter who was pretty resistant to the idea of having a trail name). I don’t know many people’s actual names. Instead, hikers either assign themselves a name or are given a name by other hikers. If a hiker names themselves, they usually start the trail with that name and it has personal significance. Cool Blue falls into this category–from day one on Katahdin he introduced himself as Cool Blue. I didn’t even know his real name until like day five. The name Cool Blue comes from his camp where they had nicknames so he decided he also wanted it to be his trail name. Shuffle named herself too but did so after a couple days on trail.

Others get named by other hikers, sometimes against their will (and sometimes the names stick and sometimes they don’t). For example, originally Wolf Bird wasn’t Wolf Bird. During the 100 mile wilderness Thorny tried to name him Big Cheese due to his bringing a giant two pound block of cheese on the trail when everyone else was packing as light of food as possible because we had to have ten days worth. Wolf bird was somewhat offended by the name and resisted it. The name Wolf bird later came about when we heard a loon one night across the lake. He claimed it was a wolf while others argued it was a bird and then somehow wolf bird developed and it stuck.

I was given my trail name, Sherpa, during the 100 mile wilderness. I kind of accepted it even though it was the first name and didn’t have a hilarious story, mainly because I was worried I’d get an embarrassing name. Thorny gave me my name after we bonded over talking about Nepal. I studied abroad there in college and he’d spent a good amount of time trekking there and we talked of all the places we’d been and how much we loved it. Also, Sherpa is relevant as I am carrying a pack up mountains across long distances like Sherpas do. Unfortunately I do so with much less grace and ease than actual Sherpas. So that’s how I got my trail name. I like it because its simple and reminds me of a place that has had a profound impact on my life.

Some trail names are hilarious. Today I met a Mr Gigglefits. Others are somewhat inappropriate, like the group termed Stoners with boners. Either way, pretty much everyone has a trail name. It’s unclear why they exist. We argued about if it was to allow you to establish a new identity on trail or to avoid confusion with common names or even for safety in anonymity. I’m not exactly sure what the reason is, but Sherpa has definitely become a real name to me–I haven’t been called Julie in weeks.

The next three days through the Whites were good. After Mt Washington we went over and around a few of the presidentials and then down to Crawford Notch. It rained a little and ominous clouds followed us all day but it wasn’t terrible. We stealth camped by a road in Crawford Notch.

The next day we encountered something unheard of in the Whites: flat terrain! We had seven miles of easy and mostly flat trail that were awesome and we beasted out quickly. We took a break at Zealand hut and scored some awesome leftovers: chicken and stuffed shells. We were even allowed to take some to go if we wanted! After the hut we went over Mt Guyot, which was right near where id gone hiking with my brother in April when we got caught in a big storm and had to camp on the trail and I got self diagnosed minor frostbite. It was crazy being back in the same area but without all the snow and with actual visibility. The summit that was in a cloud and with huge wind gusts and whipping rain in April was now just a half mile away in the sun—and I could now see how exposed the bald summit actually was. After Guyot we continued onto the Twin range and then stealth camped right near Galehead hut. Wolf bird, whose tent is just a rainfly and mosquito net, camped the roots of a fallen tree.

The next morning we scored leftover breakfast from Galehead hut then headed over Mt Garfield followed by Franconia Ridge. We had great weather, which was good news as Franconia Ridge is two full miles above tree line. I did this hike with Rama, who I studied abroad in Nepal with, last summer so again it was weird to be back in a different context. This hike is a popular day hike so we passed tons of families and even a girl hiking wearing a dress and Mary Jane type shoes. The views were beautiful but it was a long day that felt well over the 12 miles it was.

We got to the trailhead and went to hitch into Lincoln NH. One car stopped for us (me, wolf bird and cool blue) but didn’t have room. The girl had hiked southbound last year though and gave us beers! It was awesome.

We quickly found a different ride and stayed at Chet’s place in town. Chet’s place is not a hostel. It’s really just this dudes house. He allows hikers to stay in his garage. He has a room with couches and some chairs and bunks and also lets people set up tents in his yard. He doesn’t charge anything but accepts donations.

That night we went out to dinner at a restaurant in town and I just happened to run into Andy, a kid I went to high school with who is hiking northbound. I’d known he was thru hiking and he called me a couple weeks back to see where I was and where we would cross paths. We hadn’t talked in a while though and I think neither of us expected to see each other for a while yet. It was crazy we just happened to be in the same restaurant in the same town at the same time and a crazy situation to see someone the first time since high school.

Speaking of seeing people I know, I also met a girl that graduated from Wash U that worked at one of the huts in the whites. We chatted about mutual friends and which dorms we lived in and gushed over a professor we both loved. It was crazy to meet someone from Wash U in the middle of the woods in NH. At another hut I met someone who went to Tufts who knew people I know. It’s such a small world sometimes.

We made our way 0.6 miles up the hill from the tentsite back to the trail, which was right next to Madison hut. We stopped in the hut to get water and also had some coffee and pancakes. The huts are an awesome way to have convenient hot food along the trail. We had to pay for these pancakes but at other huts we would just ask if they had leftovers they wanted to get rid of and we’d often get tons of delicious free food.

From Madison, it was only six miles to the summit of Mount Washington. At 6288 feet, it’s the tallest mountain we will encounter for months. As we ate our pancakes at the hut, clouds began rolling in, covering the mountains in every direction around us. It sure looked like a storm was brewing. We didn’t really have a choice so we put on some layers and headed out literally into the clouds.

I was (once again) terrified it would start thunder storming while we were so high up and above tree line. This resulted in me scurrying along at a faster pace than usual. Because I was scared for my life, the trail actually seemed easier than usual and the miles flew by quickly. In reality, it was just cold and really windy, but no thunderstorms happened.

The summit Mount Washington is a strange place. People come from all around to hike to the top. But there is also an auto road and a cog railroad to the top. So next to hikers that labored for hours and sweat their way to the top are families with babies, women in high heels, obese people, etc who sat in their car or train to the top. I’m conflicted about the auto road and railroad because on one hand it allows people who might not otherwise want to or be able to experience the outdoors and mountains to be able to do so, but on the other hand the cars and train (not to mention huge lodge at the top) obviously take away from the truly natural.

I was hiking with Cool Blue and Wolf Bird as we neared the summit. The trail goes right near the railroad toward the top and there is apparently a tradition of thru hikers to moon the train as it goes past. Conveniently, as we neared the tracks, a train was headed down the mountain. Like a true lady, I yelled up to the boys to tell them about the thru hiker tradition. Before it seemed I’d even said what the tradition was, the boys had their pants halfway off and were mooning the train for a full two minutes. Unfortunately for the passengers, I don’t know how visible this sight was through all the fog and clouds.

We finally made it to the top as the weather was really picking up. The wind was insane, we later found out it was a peak gust of 72 mph that day with 30 degree wind chills. I was grateful for the lodge for its protection from the elements and its warm food. There were so many people in the lodge and many tourists. It was really overwhelming. Luckily they had this strange segregated downstairs section they labeled “hiker room” and “hiker bathroom”. Don’t know why we require separate areas to sit and pee, but it was so much quieter and tolerable there. We hung out for far too long, not wanting to go back outside in the freezing cold.

Finally we mustered up the energy to face the whipping winds. The wind was so strong it was hard to stand at times. We were going to try for work for stay at the next hut, Lake of the Clouds, about a mile and a half down from the summit. Work for stay is when thru hikers do chores for an hour or so at a hut and in exchange they get to stay at the hut overnight… On the floor. You also get leftovers after dinner and breakfast. It’s not glamorous but it’s nice to have real food and a roof over your head especially in bad weather. With so many thru hikers, and the Whites being where a significant amount of North and Southbounders cross paths, work for stays aren’t always easy to get. Most huts only take about three hikers a night and then turn everyone else away. They say 4 to 5 pm is the best bet to show up and be most likely to get WFS.

Luckily, Lake of the Clouds is the “mansion” of the huts–it sleeps over 100 people. As a result, they take more hikers for WFS. We had no problem getting it. Blue and I were immediately assigned our chore that would earn our stay. We washed a ton of dirty dishes but were pretty efficient so it only took 20 minutes tops. We lucked out big time because other people’s chores were much worse and took far longer. Later in the night, Wolf Bird and Shuffle scrubbed pots and pans for an hour and a half.

Doing a WFS was a weird experience in some ways. There were about eight thru hikers doing it and we were segregated from the paying customers staying at the hut. We sat at a table off to the side and just sat talking while the customers were served their hot dinners. The hut crew never really acknowledged us or explained who we were to the customers, so I’m sure many were confused who these smelly dirty people off to the side were. I didn’t mind that much but some other thru hikers were really offended and outraged and felt like we were getting treated poorly and it was rude no customers spoke to us. I took the position of trying to be grateful that we were being allowed to stay for free when everyone else was dishing out over $100 a night. Anyway, finally after the customers ate we got leftovers at around 7:30. The food was so good. Turkey, gravy, peas, couscous, mashed potatoes, salad, and pumpkin pie. We all had seconds and cleared our plates.

We had to wait for the customers’ lights out at 930 to be able to get out our sleeping pads and bags and set up under the kitchen tables to go to bed. It was cold and rainy out and I was so glad to be inside.

Day 33: Gorham to Valley Way tentsite
Miles today: 7.8
Total miles: 327.2

I think I’ve mentioned this before but it deserves to be mentioned again. Our group is so lazy. Or we at least get sucked into lazy spells fairly often. This is evident in how long it took us to leave Gorham this morning. After leaving the abandoned gem shop (there’s a start to a sentence I never thought I’d write), we lazed around town, getting breakfast and charging our electronics and basically wasting time until we got our acts together to head out to the trailhead around noon.

We went to the busiest intersection in town to try to get a ride and not more than a minute after sticking our thumbs out a pickup stopped for us. All five of us and Mabel squeezed in the back and went back to Pinkham Notch to pick up the trail.

We had a huge climb up Mount Madison. If you’ve ever hiked with me or talked about hiking with me before, you’ll know I absolutely hate uphills (smart idea that I chose to hike the AT, right?). I hate uphill because I get tired and out of breath so easily and feel like I go so slowly and it’s never ending. Anyway, I’m slowly starting to hate them less. Madison confirmed this when I was able to make the whole climb without a break and without getting too winded. But what really made my day was when I came upon a group of about six guys in probably their late 20s. They were all fit and young and strong looking but I came upon them as they were stopped catching their breath on the way up. I breezed right past them and smiled to myself as they looked both shocked and ashamed that I was passing them. Not that it’s a race buuuut it was definitely an ego boost for me, the girl who struggles and hates uphills.

Once above tree line I noticed ominous clouds looming overhead. Hiking has made me realize one of my biggest fears is getting caught in a thunderstorm while on top of a mountain. So once I saw those dark clouds I picked up the pace and scrambled up and over Madison down to the campsite. We got there late and by the time we set up camp and ate dinner it was almost 9. Right after we all got in our tents it started thunderstorming so I was glad to be in my warm sleeping bag and below tree line.

Day 31: Gorham to Zeta Pass

Miles today: 12.6
Total miles: 310.9

After a relaxing stay in town and being especially spoiled with my parents there, we got started hiking again Wednesday morning. We hiked over Mount Moriah and I stopped at the summit with Blue and Wolf Bird for a long relaxing lunch break. Next we climbed the Carter Range. We had beautiful weather and were rewarded with views of the Whites for miles all around us. We decided to stealth camp at Zeta Pass, at a lower elevation just past the Carters. After we set up camp we realized pretty much all the trees around us were blown over, fallen on top of each other and dying. Great decision on our part. We joked that if it was windy the remaining standing trees would surely fall on us in the night. Luckily it was a calm night and we all made it out alive.

Day 32: Zeta Pass to Gorham (again)
Miles today: 8.2
Total miles: 319.4

Twas a very chilly morning and tough to get out of my warm sleeping bag today. We climbed the Wildcats today, a series of mountains with one of them a ski resort. That mountain had a gondola to the top so at that summit we found all these tourists in jeans picnicking and lounging around as we walked by, all sweaty and smelly.

When we were taking our lunch break we talked to a northbounder who said he’d stayed at an abandoned house in Gorham the night before. He was just wandering around town looking for a place to stealth camp and found this empty house with the garage wide open. We were intrigued and very soon we changed our plans to go right back to Gorham to check it out. After the Wildcats the trail crosses a road at Pinkham Notch Visitor Center. About ten miles straight down the road is Gorham. Me and shuffle competed with Blue and Wolf Bird (and Mabel) to see who could get a hitch into Gorham first. Unsurprisingly the ladies won!

Once in town we went straight to Mr Pizza, where id already gone three times when we were in Gorham before. I felt like a local! We had tasty pizza and a pitcher of Dogfishhead to celebrate our 300 miles a little belated. Then Shuffle went to McDonalds for literally five hours to mooch off their wifi, leaving me with Blue and Wolf Bird (Google decided not to stay in an abandoned house, mature and smart guy that he is).

The boys and I went to check out the house. We had to go around the backyard and walk through the open the garage, stepping over boards and wall panels all over the floor. The inside was empty and kind of falling apart except for one room. The room had all these glass display cases and had a small room attached to it with a safe in it. We later found out the house was an old gem shop based on a sign on the ground outside. It was kind of creepy (and definitely illegal, sorry mom and dad…and law enforcement) but also was really fun in an eerie sort of way if that makes sense? The boys and I went up into the windowless attic, lit it up with our headlamps, and hung out drinking and talking and listening to music. We stayed up way past our 730 pm bedtime. At 1130 we went across the street to visit shuffle (still at McDonald’s). Wolf bird went and bought a 20 piece chicken nuggets and fries and we demolished it in two minutes so blue went and got us another which we similarly ate in a grossly short amount of time. It was a fun change of pace to just hang out for a night but I was ready to leave gorham by the next day after spending far too many days there in the past week.

Miles today: 6.9

Total miles: 298.3

TOWN TODAY! The thought of getting to town is always a huge motivator. As I hike towards town, I begin fantasizing about the burger I will devour, the soft bed I’ll sleep in, the hot shower I will take, and the clean clothes I’ll have after doing laundry. I wasn’t feeling well this morning, but these thoughts helped occupy my mind as I climbed the two mountains on the way into Gorham. An added bonus was that my wonderful parents would be meeting me in Gorham, so that helped the miles fly by.

I got to town by about 10 am after leaving around 630. It was a weird entry into town–usually the trail crosses a road and if you want to go into town you stop at that road and hitchhike into town. But Gorham was different. The trail actually followed a few roads, so I followed white blazes that were on the backs of street signs, walking by houses with cars passing me. I was very confused and thought I was going the wrong way a couple times. I also must have looked very homeless, all dirty walking with my backpack along the roadside. 

I got to town and waited for my parents to arrive. It’d been a month since they dropped me off at Katahdin and in some ways it seems like just yesterday. But when I think of all that has happened and how far I’ve walked it seems like ages ago. Also, now, to trace my progress on a map you actually have to move your finger a little bit, rather than just place your finger and the distance I’ve walked be entirely covered by your fingertip. I was so excited to see my mom and dad and give them big smelly hugs. It was also nice to introduce my hiking family to them.

I’ve spent the past day and a half catching up with my parents, relaxing, and eating a lot (obviously). It’s been so nice and refreshing. I’m very content here and somewhat don’t want to get hiking again–mainly because the next section is going to be very difficult. We have the White Mountains of New Hampshire ahead of us. It’ll be miles and miles up huuuuge ups and downs day after day.

Also, there aren’t shelters in the Whites as there have been along the entire trail. There are some limited campsites and then there are huts. The huts are intended more for families and weekend hikers, who dish out big bucks (in the range of nearly $100) to stay in these huts in the mountains with no frills. Thru-hikers have the option of trying to do a work for stay in these huts. A work for stay is when you do chores, like washing the dishes, in exchange for getting a spot to sleep on the floor in the hut. However, these work for stay spots are super competitive–there are far more thru-hikers than work for stay availability. You can’t count on getting to a hut and getting to stay there, so you may get there and be told it’s full and you’ll have to hike on. I’m nervous about this uncertainty in addition to the tough terrain. At the same time, I’m excited for the beautiful views and to be in a place where I’ve hiked before. It’s comforting to be in the Whites, a place where I’ve hiked a bit and it feels familiar. It’ll be a tough week or week and a half, perhaps the toughest of the trip, so I’m both excited and nervous. Wish me luck!

Miles today: 10.1

Total miles: 291.4

I was excited to get going this morning because only 0.5 miles from the shelter was the Maine-New Hampshire border. I feel like I’ve been hiking forever but am still in Maine, so crossing the border is evidence that I actually have been making progress. I set off a little before everyone else and had some time at the border by myself. I got a chance to reflect and recognize how far I’ve come. I waited for Blue and Google and we had a little celebration and took photos when they got there.

I was still tired from the Notch and Arm and overall long day the day before so hiking was tougher than usual. It was a rare day of low morale for me. I was just tired, physically and mentally, and hiking felt much more difficult than usual. We haven’t been doing big miles at all lately, but for some reason it’s worn me out quite a bit nonetheless. I pushed through it as best I could. Blue and Google wanted to go past the campsite where I wanted to stay because they wanted to get closer to town (Gorham, NH) where we were going to stay. I was so beat though that I really didn’t want to go anymore than the ten miles to the campsite, but I also didn’t want to stay at the campsite by myself so I just silently hoped they’d later decide not to push on.

With just one mile left until the campsite, and still struggling to motivate myself, I got a little lost. At a pond, it was unclear which way the trail went. There was some weird side trail that made a loop right along the edge of the pond. I took this trail, thinking it was the AT and was walking on the roots of plants by the side of the pond to avoid the huge pits of mud the edged the water. Well, I took one wrong step and my foot slid into the mud, followed by the rest of my leg and body. I basically ended up sitting in the edge of the mud pit that seemed to be endlessly deep. If I hadn’t caught myself, I think the mud would have been above my waist.

I was so frustrated. At this point I had realized I was off the trail going the wrong way so I was already confused and annoyed (plus my exhaustion and low morale) and then to top it off I was now covered in mud. I just sat there for a second and laughed at how pathetic this situation was. I couldn’t do anything about it so I got up, shoes and socks completely brown and gooey, my legs totally covered in mud, and turned back to the last place where I knew I was on the trail. Once I got back to the last white blaze I ran into a new hiker friend, Curly, I’d met the previous night. He was sitting on a rock and I was so sad and pathetic looking and just said to him, “I fell in a mud pit.” He extended his hand, revealing a pile of juicy blueberries, and asked, “want one?” Well that sure made me feel better. He was sitting on the rock right by a blueberry bush with hundreds of ripe blueberries. We sat and picked them in silence and I felt a lot better and happier. 

The next mile to the campsite wasn’t bad and I’d decided I’d stay there regardless of what Blue and Google were doing. Well, much to my surprise and delight, when I arrived, they were setting up their tents. They’d decided they were tired and it wasn’t worth going any further today. I was so happy I would have company at the campsite and that I didn’t have to walk anymore. Also, it was early in the day still so I had the afternoon to rest, snack, and read, which helped make a tough day better. 

As we ate dinner, we were discussing how we missed Wolf Bird and Shuffle and were wondering when they’d catch up to us (it’d been three days since we’d seen them). Just as we were talking about it, they strolled into camp! It was a great reunion as we all sat and caught about what happened in the past couple days, poking fun at each other and reviving that great group dynamic we have. 

Miles today: 10.6

Total miles: 281.3

Today was a big day. We had Mahoosuc Arm and Mahoosuc Notch to complete. In our guide book under Mahoosuc Notch, the text reads, “Most difficult or fun mile of the AT. Make way through jumbled pit of boulders.” Northbounders since Katahdin have been hyping up the Notch and Arm to be fun but really tough. People really build up this part of the trail so it was like we were finally about to encounter this legendary and impossibly tough part of the AT. I was nervous and excited.

On the way down from Old Speck Mountain we stopped at the first shelter to get water. This shelter was unique in that it had a caretaker who lives at the shelter for the summer helping to maintain it. I talked to the caretaker, a guy in his 20s, and after chatting for a bit discovered he lived just a couple streets away from me in Jamaica Plain this past year. He knew my street and said it was part of his running route. It was a crazy coincidence especially in meeting literally in the middle of the woods miles to the nearest road. 

After that first shelter, we got to Mahoosuc Arm. For us Southbounders, the Arm is a steep and long downhill mostly consisting of slick slabs of granite (for northbounders it is a tough uphill…obviously). What makes it so difficult is that the rock offers little in the way of footholds and the rock is often wet making it even more dangerous and slippery. Some hikers we passed right before it said we should just take out our sleeping pads and sled down it. Ha. It actually wasn’t as scary or difficult as I’d imagined, which was a relief. I took my time going very slowly and did a lot of butt-sliding down the parts that were steeper. It took a lot of concentration, but finally after an hour or two of descent, I successfully made it to the bottom. Onto the Notch!

I’d been nervous for Mahoosuc Notch since even before I fully committed to hiking the AT. The fact that it’s the most difficult mile out of 2000+ miles made me imagine the worst. How do you declare a single mile the most difficult? And what sick people would argue it’s the most fun mile?! My worries turned out to be unfounded as upon completing the notch I found myself allied with the latter group–finding it far more fun than difficult.

The trail through the Notch cannot even be called a trail. Imagine a plane came and just dumped hundreds of HUGE boulders for a mile straight, letting them stack on top of each other every which way. Then, imagine someone just drew a line zigzagging through this maze of boulders, under some, over some, through caves, etc. This is the trail. I didn’t take any pictures unfortunately… because I was doing so much climbing and descending, but I’ll post photos from online. It took a lot of hoisting myself up over huge rocks, then butt sliding down others, then crawling through narrow caves where I had to take my pack off to fit through. The caves were deep, dark, and freezing cold sheltered from the sun. There was still ice from winter in some of them. IN JULY! What?! Some of the crevices between the boulders looked like they descended into darkness forever so I mostly did not look down.

Google and Cool Blue stuck with me throughout the Notch, which I was so grateful for. They helped me navigate over tougher parts and offered me their hand if I needed it. It was also more fun doing it together in a group. It was like a giant jungle gym and gave me an upper body workout for a change. We made it through in an hour and a half, beating a northbounder’s 2 hour time.. HA! We high fived at the end and continued onto the next shelter. 

We had to climb the Goose Eyes, two big mountain peaks. It was a tough follow up to the physically demanding Notch and Arm. It took a lot of determination and forcing myself to go on when I thought I couldn’t to get through those last two mountains. Finally we got to the shelter and I could not wait to get to bed. I went to bed feeling happy and accomplished at having completed the ‘hardest mile’ and then some.